Athens, Pa.
This is my first St. Luke’s Half Marathon and my third half marathon. I started running to become more fit about ten years ago. My children at the time were four and six years of age.
I would often put the kids’ bikes in the back of my car and come into town where they could ride their bikes on the sidewalks and I would run along side them.
When my younger son, Chase, was in sixth grade, he decided he wanted to try running and signed up for the cross country team. It was a real surprise. I was so proud he wanted to run like his mom. He went to all the practices diligently his first year on the team. He mostly stayed in the latter half of the pack. That didn’t matter to me. I still cheered as loud as I could.
The following school year, he wanted to sign up for the team again. He had grown over the summer and had become stronger. At the first meet of the season, he was running near the head of the pack. He was elated to see such improvement in himself. That was my greatest joy – to see my son be proud of himself. At the Valley Invitational in October of 2009, he finished 3rd overall. You never saw a teenage boy more proud. Then, at the last meet of the season, where all the area schools compete, he placed 18th out of 68 male runners.
I had the wonderful privilege of running with my son many times that year. He now ran much faster than me and was running a 7 minute mile. We were so much alike. It was fun to run and talk and just listen to what he was thinking or having him tell me about his day at school as we ran and talked and laughed together.
On December 10, 2009, my wonderful son Chase, took his own life. He was only 14 years old. He never mentioned being depressed or anxious about anything. Even though we live in a very small town in rural PA, there were over 800 guests at his viewing – over half of them were kids.
It was the hardest thing to endure, losing your child. Chase and I were especially close, and for a long time, I wasn’t able to run. I couldn’t. I lost my running buddy and all my motivation to keep running.
But after about 6 months, I decided to try again. I ran a few 5Ks again and a relay marathon. It’s not the same, but I do it for him. I know he is with me every step when I run. Sometimes, I hear him say to me, “come on mom – you can do it.” I hear him when I’m ready to give up or walk or just start crying because I miss him so much – even a year later. My heart will never be whole again, but I was blessed to have him with me for 14 years. I am the luckiest mother in the world because of that.
So that is why I run. For the love of Chase. He touched so many lives without even knowing it. I will never know what happened after school that day. But I do know that I miss him terribly – every day. It isn’t fair. But kids need an outlet if they ever feel like they can’t go on.
I realize that I am only one mother who suffered the loss of a child in a very small town, but it doesn’t make the pain any less. So, I will keep running and raising money to help educate students about suicide prevention. I run for my son. And just as he ran, I don’t run for the fastest time, but for myself, and for him. And to say, “I did it buddy!” I only hope he sees me and is proud of me for trying.
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